Tuesday, July 7, 2009

A Fucktard Named Speidi* | 'Politics as Usual'

Ivster’s Dictionary:

Speidi: A contraction of ‘Spencer’ and ‘Heidi’.

Fucktard: A contraction of ‘fucking’ and ‘retard’.

Their only contribution that I can think of thus far is the highly-fappable image above. That’s it. Let it be known that these imbeciles aren’t really worth my time. Or your time. Quite definitively, they are a waste of time. And air. They’re also an easy target. This’ll be like pinning the tail on a donkey made entirely out of… tail. I never thought it’d come down to this, but it has. Lord, help us all (and I’m a non-theist). Truthfully, this bimbo and mimbo (i.e. a male bimbo, yet another entry in Ivster’s Dictionary) lack depth; as such, this post will follow accordingly.

I’m writing in response to recent chatter that Speidi, as they’ve been affectionately dubbed, made some recent statements regarding 9/11. “Controversial” statements. This tidbit of information would have evaded my radar had Byron Crawford not posted it on his car-wreck of a blog - a car-wreck, because no matter how vile and vulgar it may be, you find yourself glued to it, and always coming back. How’s that for a plug? I digress. Apparently Speidi were on Alex Jones’ show. Alex Jones, for those that don’t know, is a really smart guy who foments dialogue on the stuff that doesn’t make it into your daily newspaper. To some he’s a conspiracy theorist. To others, he’s a conspiracy realist. Personally, I think he’s got some great things to say, but I’m not a follower. I have enough problems with the world I know about, I don’t feel like dealing with the problems taking place behind closed doors. Again, I digress.

Speidi were on his show, as he began to school them on the topic of 9/11 Truth, in short, an ever-growing school of thought that has deduced and concluded that the “attacks” on 9/11 were controlled by a tightly-knit network of corporate assholes, corrupt government officials and people with ulterior motives. Folks far and wide, including first-hand eyewitnesses and demolition experts offer their expertise on the matter – and they make a compelling argument. I believe that some fishy shit went down on 9/11, so I can’t call bullshit on these guys. It seems like more fact than fiction. “Just my thoughts… Just what I was feeling at the time… Right or wrong” © Jay-Z

So basically Jones goes on to explain to Speidi the 9/11 theories (reasonable), stories about implanted microchips (nucking futs) and the whole nine. And they’re yucking it up like the air-headed dunces that they are. Alex Jones is proud of himself. He’s gotten America’s darlings to buy into his views. Great. He notes that his website, InfoWars, had received a surge in hits since Speidi went public about their newfound awakening.

The problem is I’m afraid that Alex Jones doesn’t know who he’s dealing with. I don’t know much about Speidi aside from the fact that they seem like the kind of people who will A) do anything for publicity, and B) believe anything you tell them/allow you to put a battery in their back and tell them to “go”. The epitomy of flip-floppers, they seem like the kind of people who would be radical conspiracy theorists one day, and become Republican Party attendees the next day in a snap. In short, they’re opportunists.

I feel I can best explain this with the use of some images. Exhibit A:

That’s Spencer Pratt and his companion, holding a rifle in one hand and a pack of brewskies in the other. That’s the image of red state livin’. Take an even closer look at Spencer’s t-shirt! It says “Palin for VP”. It doesn’t get much more direct than that! It’s also got three images: a cross, a gun and the American flag. Too bad it wasn’t the Confederate flag, or that woulda been the hick trifecta! Below the images it says God, Guns and Glory, respectively. We take from this image that Speidi are the prototypical conservative, Bible-thumping, gun-clutching wingnuts. Fair enough? Okay, let’s move on to Exhibit B:

Here we have an image of Speidi, posing atop their mountain bikes, each wearing pro-Obama apparel. Heidi’s says “Barack’n ‘N Roll’n”. Isn’t that adorable? What can we draw from this image? In my summation, we can gather that Speidi are the prototypical, liberal, pop-culture savvy, physically active/health conscious, hipster/douchebag couple.

A computer trying to decode these paradoxes would have fizzled out by now. Can we now ascertain that these pricks are a pair of opportunists, as I stated before?

(Reader: “Yes”)

I thought so. So… I guess the next question is: Does this make Alex Jones a watered-down sell-out? In other words, maybe, just maybe, Alex Jones, the people’s person, is your regular ol’ revenue-hungry capitalist. It’s just a theory.

* Dedicated to the late, great Karl Malden, ‘cause he would(n’t) have wanted it this way.
* If you wanna get technical, Speidi are simply one fucktard, not two, because they possess the mental aptitude and capacity of only one brain (rounded up, of course).