Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Timing FAIL: Gilbert Arenas FTL!

Did you know that Gilbert Arenas has an upcoming book? I sure as hell didn’t! In light of Hibachi’s gun-toting fuckery, the release and PR mishap of plugging Score Like Agent Zero should be a sight to behold. I kinda feel bad for DJ Gallo, the guy who I can only assume really wrote this book. Take a look at Score Like Agent Zero’s product description, copied from Amazon (with cynical emphasis added by yours truly):
Hello there. Yes, you. How are you? I am Gilbert Arenas. Thank you for picking up my book and opening the cover. You have just taken a major step toward improving your life. What you hold in your hands is the self-help book to end all self-help books. The lessons found inside helped to take me, Gilbert Arenas, from being a skinny, overlooked high school basketball player, to being told in college that he wasn’t good enough to start, to being an NBA superstar.

I went from zero to hero. In fact, I went from zero to hero to Agent Zero.

Who knows where this information will take you! Look where I am, and I didn’t have the advantage of having all this imparted to me in a book.

Want to learn how to stay motivated each and every day of your life?

Want to learn the best way to shoot a free throw?

Want to learn how to speak to a woman like Agent Zero?

All these answers—and many others—are inside.

My book is stuffed full of stories, tips, and anecdotes that will make you think, make you laugh, and make you cry (hopefully from laughter). I like to enjoy my life, and I think you will enjoy my book.

If you are a longtime Gilbert Arenas fan, buy this book. If you are or know a sports fan, buy this book. If you are hot and in need of a fan, buy this book and wave it back and forth in front of your face on the way up to the cash register to buy it.

Score Like Agent Zero is conversational, sometimes controversial, and always laugh-out-loud funny. I can’t guarantee that this book will help you score sixty points, but it will allow you to score an all-access pass into my mind and to the secrets behind my success.

All the information is in here. I wrote the book. Now you just have to read it.
You can’t write this stuff! Wait… Never mind…